


"I am not sorry for loving you."

by heereandqueer



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: M/M, accidentally lets 'i love you' slip out and things go wrong, and it spiraled our big discord group chat from there, but here some angsty feels, for an au that we made based off of will connollys music, jeremy is afraid of not being loved, michael is afraid to be loved, so this probably wont make much sense to you, uhhhh i wrote this for my lovely friend kat for their birthday, with a happy ending ish?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2019-01-20 03:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12424020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heereandqueer/pseuds/heereandqueer
Summary: Jeremy has had lots of flings and is afraid of being unlovable. Michael had one long relationship and is afraid of falling in love only to be hurt again. One slip of words can cause a whole lot of pain.





	"I am not sorry for loving you."

**Author's Note:**

> again, this is for an au that is not my own, i am only posting this bc i havent written anything in so long and will not be posting anything new until halloween (!!!), so im sorry if this does not make sense to you, i hope you enjoy this anyway.

Michael watched as the front door to his place shook, having been slammed so hard the sound still echoed around the room.

_ Shit.  _ That’s not what’s supposed to happen.

Jeremy’s words repeated through his head. ‘I love you.’

 

\------

 

Jeremy had suggested they made some coffee as the clock on his desk hit  _ 2  _ am. They had been working for nearly  _ 14  _ hours at this point, and while the song was coming along slowly, it was coming and they didn’t want to rest to sleep and lose their place.

So Michael had offered to make it, shuffling his sweatpants covered legs to their tiny kitchen, making a fresh cup of coffee while he heard Jeremy tapping away at the keyboard they had set up in the other room.

Rubbing his eye gently, he used his other hand to pour their cups and carefully carried them back to his room. He passed Jeremy his usual mug, smiling softly down at Jeremy who was staring at him with a different look in his eyes than before.

“I love you,” Jeremy said, momentarily looking down at his paper before his head jerked back up, realizing what he had just said. His blue eyes suddenly wide and scared as he opened his mouth again to talk. To try to explain himself. To try to backtrack.

As soon as the words left his mouth, Michael nearly dropped his coffee, some splashing over the edge and hitting his socked foot. 

A couple of beats pass before Michael lets out a broken sigh, his shoulders falling as he sets his cup down on the desk. He doesn’t know what to say.

Does he love Jeremy back? Of course, he does.

Can he tell him that? Of course, he can’t.

Michael has been hurt in the past, horribly. If he tells Jeremy he loves him, what if he gets hurt again? He’s too scared. He can’t tell him. 

Jeremy was frozen in place. He knew about Michael’s past. He knew that saying ‘I love you’ wasn’t comfortable for him, and he had respected that. Jeremy hadn’t had the best past with relationships either, they had talked about this before.

“I’m sorry..” Jeremy’s voice wasn’t above a whisper, his hands folding in his lap and his eyes were trained on the ground. He refused to look back up at Michael.

There weren’t any words coming from Michael, no ‘it’s okay’, no ‘don’t apologize’, and certainly no ‘I love you too.’ He didn’t know what to say to him, he honestly didn’t.

And so Jeremy gently set his hot coffee down, pushing himself up from the chair but still kept his eyes cast downward. 

“I should..” he paused his statement as if searching for the correct words, “I should get going.” His voice shook slightly as he tugged his sneakers onto his feet with one hand and used the other to pluck his jacket off of the back of the chair he was previously sitting in.

Still, no words were uttered from the other boy, his brain screaming at him to tell Jeremy not to go, to stay with him and talk.  _ Just grab him, pleading him to stay, tell him how you feel! Tell him you love him! But he was so scared to, too scared to. _

And that’s how he was met with the door closing behind Jeremy in his face, and tears began to slip down his cheeks the second the door clicks into place.

Jeremy ends up staying with Rich that night, the last thing he wants to do is go back to his empty, quiet apartment. Silent. Alone. Unloved.. Just like how he was afraid to be left.

_ Michael was afraid of being loved and being left again, Jeremy leaving driving his fear deeper. Jeremy was scared that no one would ever love him, the look in Michael’s eyes when he said he loved him driving his fear deeper. _

The next day was radio silence. They don’t speak. No calls, or texts. Nothing. Silence.

Jeremy crashes at Rich’s longer, not really telling him too much, and Rich respects that. He lets him cry, pretending not to hear from the next room.

Michael tries to focus and write some more music. He gets frustrated, breaking down and ends up thrashing his workspace. He destroys some of his notebooks, spills Jeremy’s (now cold) cup of coffee onto his keyboard and has to clean up and nearly breaks a guitar. He wears himself out, ending up passed out on the couch from all the crying.

When he wakes up, it’s the next day, the sun peeking through the window in the living room and streaming right into his eyes. He almost rolls right off of the couch, checking his phone to find Jeremy had texted him while he was asleep.

_ ‘Can we talk?’ _ Michael doesn’t even bother texting back, tapping his contact name and calling him before he can even wipe the sleep out of his eyes or push his glasses back on his face.

It’s been two days, and Michael had missed Jeremy’s voice so much. He needed to hear him again, and make sure he was okay.

The first words uttered over the phone immediately give away that Jeremy had recently been crying, and this fact breaks Michael’s heart in two.

“I want to talk in person, not over the phone. I have to work today but..” Jeremy cut himself off with a small sniffle he had hoped Michael didn’t hear. (He did.) “Maybe tomorrow?”

“Jeremy wait, please, can you listen?” The silence on the other end gives him all the ‘go ahead’ he needed.

“I’m sorry Jere... I am, you have to know that. You know how much I care about you, but I… I can’t- I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”

Michael’s throat felt like it was closing in on itself, his eyes burning with tears filled them again.

Crickets for a while on the phone, so long that Michael pulls his phone away to see if Jeremy had hung up on him, but then he speaks up again.

“I’m sorry too. I know you didn’t want to hear it but, I love you, Michael.” He sounds out of breath, Michael shouldn’t be crying, he shouldn’t be apologizing for not being ready for those words. “I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m sorry.”  _ Click _ . 

He had hung up, leaving Michael staring down at the ‘call ended’ screen on his phone, his chest rising and falling quickly.

 

\------

 

They don’t make it to the next day, later that night Michael’s phone buzzing with another text from Jeremy.

_ ‘Change of plans, can I come over now?’ _

_ ‘Yes,’  _ A moment.  _ ‘Please’ _

Not but  _ 10  _ minutes later, Jeremy pushes through the door, like he had just been waiting for the  _ ‘ok’  _ before coming in. 

The first thing he sees is Michael with some crumpled notebook papers in his hands, trying to flatten them out against the side of the table. Upon further inspection, he realized the apartment was a complete mess.  _ (Like Michael-) _

Jeremy doesn’t speak, just standing there, watching him sadly.

Michael’s head turns up to see Jeremy, a horse “Hey,” leaves his chapped lips and that’s when Jeremy realizes he’s crying too.

That seemed to be what was holding Michael back, because as soon as he speaks up he breaks down, Jeremy stepping closer slowly. His hands reach him first, pulling the boy into his chest in a close and tight hug, letting him sob against Jeremy’s chest. Repeated ‘I’m sorry’s were babbled between each breath he took.

Jere moves them to the couch, sitting him down with him, basically in his lap as his thumbs brushed over his tanned cheeked to wipe away his tears. He was trying to calm him down.

They sit there for a long time, Michael just letting Jeremy hold him until his breathing was back to an (almost) normal rate. He looked up at Jeremy finally, apologizing again.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Jeremy I-I can’t.”

“Shh,” He whispered, cupping his face in his calloused hands, forcing their eyes to meet as he willed his own eyes to not begin to fill with tears as he saw Michael’s. “I know, Michael. I know.”

“I’m sorry that I said it, I know how much you aren’t okay with it.” He continued, his voice catching in his throat and he can feel the tears begin to fall freely down his freckled face. “But I am _not_ sorry for loving you, and I never ever will be Michael.”

Both boys were crying, this time Michael is the one to pull Jeremy into him. He presses their lips together in a kiss, his grip on Jeremy almost not even there as their lips barely brushed against the others.

Michael was still waiting for Jeremy to leave. He didn't want him to, but he knew it was going to happen. At least he thought it was going to.

But Jeremy just pulls him closer, holding on tight and trying to show Michael (without using words, he wasn’t sure if he could manage to choke anything out right now.) that he wasn’t leaving, he’s not going anywhere.

Sitting there, they just hold each other for a long time, until Jeremy gets up from the couch suddenly and Michael can’t stop the reflex as he grabs Jeremy’s wrist quickly and tightly in fear.

“I’m just going to get you some water, and help clean up, and then we’re going to go to bed okay?” Jeremy says softly, placing his other hand over Michael’s on his wrist to reassure him.

Jeremy tried not to think about the actual fear on Michael’s features, his hand wrapped tight around Jeremy’s arm, about the way his heart seemed to twist in a knot and refused to loosen up, about the way Michael had looked like that all day because.. Jeremy had left him. He left, after telling him he loved him. Just like Michael had been terrified of. 

Michael was starting to go a bit crazy with how quiet his apartment was. The only sounds that could be heard were the sounds of papers being picked up and sorted through around the room. Jeremy could sense this, seeing Michael’s hands shake when he had handed him a notebook a moment ago.

He was worried. Jeremy set his stack of pages down, taking Michael’s as well before he took his soft hands in his own, pulling him to the bedroom. He pulled the blankets on the bed back, 

Jeremy gently shoved Michael’s chest, laying him down onto the bed and tucked him in a little.

Much like on the couch, when Jeremy turned to leave he grabbed him again. Jeremy’s eyes didn’t look back at Michael this time, they stayed on the old carpet. 

“I was going to the couch..” 

“Stay. In here. Please,” Michael didn’t care how desperate he sounded, because he was. Even the couch was too far away for his liking. He wanted Jeremy there with him, in bed, in his arms.

Jeremy let a soft sigh out, “I’ll stay until you fall asleep, then I’ll go to the couch.” He bargained. 

Michael wanted to cry again, not knowing if his heart can take any more of this. Jeremy didn’t want to be near him right now. Which was understandable, but it still hurt, really fucking bad.

He felt Jeremy crawl onto the bed, but he sits right up against the headboard, not even getting under the blankets with Michael. Ouch.

Michael just lays his head back, watching the boy. He’s scared that if he looks away, or blinks, Jeremy will be gone when he looks back. That he’ll leave him again. He reaches his hand out, offering it to Jeremy a little, not sure if he will take it. Jeremy does, slipping their fingers together gently.

A few moments later, Jeremy slides his legs underneath the covers.  _ ‘The room is just cold.’ _ Michael tries to tell himself.

He scoots closer, settling into the bedding beside Michael, and he’s laying on his side, his hand still in Michael’s.

Jeremy falls asleep not long later, not having gotten any sleep the last couple of days, and having it feel so nice to be in bed with Michael again.

Michael contemplates what to do for a while, before deciding Jeremy wanted space and he should respect that.

He gets out of the bed, leaning back over to leave a soft kiss on his forehead as he holds back a sob until he’s successfully closed the bedroom door behind him. 

He makes his way into the kitchen, deciding maybe tea will help ease his mind enough to get a little bit of sleep.  _ (Trying to make sure he isn’t crying too loudly, or into his tea, the entire time.) _

When he is done making the cup, he settles into the couch, unable to hold back the sob that shakes through his whole body. Seconds later, half asleep Jeremy is shuffling out of the bedroom and over to Michael, sitting beside him.

“Why did you leave?” Jeremy’s voice was gentle, but rough and raspy from the crying and the sleep.

“You didn’t want to sleep near me, so I left.” His voice had cracked so bad it was like he was still in high school. 

Instead of arguing against it, Jeremy just simply says, “I’m sorry,” again. But this time, so quiet that if Michael hadn’t been looking at him he was worried he would have completely missed it.

Michael was trying to stop crying, wiping at his face harder to try to get the tears to quit. “Just go back to bed Jere.”

But he didn’t. Instead he wrapped his arms around Michael, his head resting on his shoulder for a second. All Michael could choke out was a broken, “Please.”

Jeremy gets up, and Michael is half grateful and half shattered. 

“Okay. Then let’s go to bed.” He reached down, picking up Michael’s warm hand and pulled him up from the couch like he had earlier that night.

Michael lets him pull him all the way to their bed before he spoke up, whispering, “You didn’t want to be near me..”

Jeremy doesn’t say anything, their fingers still hooked together. It’s quiet for so long that Michael is sure he has fallen asleep by then. Until he hears…

“I always want to be near you, Michael.” followed by a sob leaving the boy, and he pulls him closer, letting him press up against his chest.

Michael is just whispering apology after apology into his ear, Jeremy trying to shush him.

He ends up having to put one of his hands up to Michael’s mouth, covering it so that he stops talking and apologizing for one second. “It’s not your fault Michael.”

And it’s not. Jeremy knows it’s not, and yeah that doesn’t make it hurt him any less, but it seems to get through to Michael unlike other things he had tried to say that night.

They’re covered in more silence, Jeremy’s hand removing from his lips, resting on the bed between their bodies.

Suddenly a whisper. “Can I kiss you?”

And Jeremy is a little taken back, and slightly hurt because he asked like Jeremy  _ would have said no and turned him down. _

“Yes,” Jeremy whispers back, barely getting it out before Michael’s lips are on his. The kiss is so soft and so hesitant. Their lips together feel so much like home, and both of the boys both hurt so much from it.

With dried tears on their faces and hands clutching clothes and fabric to keep the other as close as possible, they both fall asleep in each other's arms.

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh hmu on tumblr ig, idk, im not on much bc it annoys me lately but yeah - @connormurphweed


End file.
